Some Jumbled Thoughts on Life, Love, Loss, and hope

Northern California, 2007

The last few months have been full of reflection for me, and with all of this reflection, I've had many realizations and revelations about what is truly important to me in life. Three months ago, my life looked so different than it does today--I was stressed out, anxious, living an unhealthy lifestyle, and not spending near enough time on my personal relationships. Everything changed when my brother passed away under unexpected and traumatic circumstances. When I began to move through the initial shock of my loss, I realized vividly what was important in life and what I had been neglecting in my life and relationships. I think that Ben helped me to realize these things, and I believe he still does. He was dedicated to serving others far above himself, and while I don't think he realized the impact he made on the world, it was a great one, one that has inspired my entire family and many of our friends.

I guess what I'm trying to verbalize is how difficult, yet important, it can be to come to a point in your life where you realize that what you truly desire is far different than what you'd had in mind for a very long time. I guess this is just the natural order of things when you go through whatever it is that forces you to reevaluate your life and start living intentionally with the knowledge that each day, no matter many seemingly insignificant moments it is made up of, does matter, and moreover, it is a gift.

The past few months have led to a drastic reevaluation in my priorities and goals in life, and the theme I keep coming back to is love, first and foremost, and then grace and mercy. If you would have asked me three or four months ago what my life goals were, nearly all of them would have been career-related. Today, my goals are to be more loving, more kind, and more appreciative of all of those who impact me positively in my life because I now know that at any moment, the ones we care most deeply about can be taken from us and we may never get to express to them how much they meant to us (in this life).

This hasn't at all been an easy road, and I still hit lows that I never imagined could be so extreme. But strangely enough, through my pain I've been able to see the world much more clearly than ever before and I've experienced joy so full that I know it's a part of something bigger than me. I hope that we can all channel that something bigger, whatever you believe it is, and live more intentional, graceful, merciful, and above all else, loving lives.

Be well!